Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I Miss You Unbearably

Sometimes when I think of you, I feel as though it's happened all over again. The pain is so deep and the hurt is so real and it feels like I heard it for the first time again. Last night seemed to be one of the hardest since the day you met Jesus. I couldn't stop thinking of you. I was longing for your touch, smell, your arms that wrapped around me whenever I needed them to. I longed for your smile and your laugh. I longed for your wisdom and insight. There isn't a day that passes when I don't pick up the phone to tell you something or share a story with you or just hear your comforting voice that no one can replace. For some reason I cant get it in my head that I cant call you anymore. There are so many things I want to tell you, say to you, hear your opinion on. So much change has happened that you havent had your say in.. and most of it you wouldnt allow to happen. So many things that you would stand up and put a stop to. Ha.. I wish I could be as mean as you could be to those who deserved it. I wish I knew what you would say to that woman so I could say it for you. I miss you so much. One of the hardest things I have found is going to your house, going to nana's house, and knowing that I wont see you when I arrive...knowing that you wont be there... knowing that when I drive up I wont see you standing in the window looking for me and I wont feel your arms embrace me just after walking through the door. It hurts so much to know you arent available anymore, to know I dont have you anymore... Ive lost my hero, my counselor, my safe place and my nanny. The hurt is so indescribable i am lost for words when asking God for help. Thank goodness I know that He already knows my need despite what I say or dont say to Him. And because of you, I know that He is the only One who can meet my need. Ive learned so much from you... our family feels lost without you. The adjustment is slow. The adjustment is hard. Its awkward, and we arent used to it and it makes me mad that things are happening that shouldnt be happening and if you were just here, it would fix everything. I hate not being able to talk to you anymore! If there was one wish I had it would be to make it possible to call Heaven and talk to you. Its crazy how much it makes a difference the way you feel about Heaven when you have someone there that you love so dearly. I want to be with you. I want to be next to you. I want to be in your company again. And I cant wait til the day when I see you again. I miss you so much. I miss you unbearably.


Post a Comment