Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It's Been 2 Months

It's been 2 months since your death. Spring isnt the same with out you. Life isnt the same without you.
I dont know where Poppa's head is at. I apologize for his behaviors. I wish I could keep him in the shape you kept him in. But I cant.
Lauren and I talk about you alot. About how much we miss our nanny. We need to go to your grave. We need to bring you fresh flowers. You liked Daffodils. And yellow roses. I made sure your casket bouquet was exactly the way you would have wanted it. You would have been delighted.
Easter was on Sunday. At church they sang the song that they sang the night you came to church with us after finding out about the cancer. It was difficult to hear it. Remember? The one about victory? It made me think of how blessed your were that night. You looked so free, so peaceful. I miss you. I was thinking last night of how you used to sing Jesus Loves Me to us. I remember your voice. I remember the way you sing. I miss it.
I heard this song on the radio last night about saying goodbye and it made me cry. I was so tempted to dive my head into the bag of clothes that I have of yours that I havent touched since the week you went to be with Jesus. I know your smell is in that bag. I wanted to smell you, but I knew better. I knew that if I did that, I would cry and cry and cry over the fact that you arent here anymore, that I can only smell your clothes and that I cant smell you. The bag was in my car for a long time before I could even get it out to bring in the house. Yesterday I found one of your hairs in my car. It was too much for me to handle. I had to push my emotions away.
I want to tell you so much about me and Matthew. I want to talk to you about things in our marriage thatI have no one to talk about them to. I want your wisdom and knowledge throughout my marriage and I dont have it. It isnt fair. So much has happened for me to tell you about.
I miss you!
Happy Two Month Anniversary of being with our Jesus! I hope you are having the best time... I know you are!
I love you, Nanny.


MELISSA said...

this makes me sad :(

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